DOUBLE JEOPARDY Milton Hook

I lie in bed but cannot sleep.
Dawn breaks inevitably
and the unbearable memories of yesterday linger,
haunting me, mocking me, clawing at my skin.
I cannot escape.
When I sit down my head drops into my belly.
When I stand up my innards sink into my shoes.
I am hollow, drained and lifeless.
No one can cure me.

I feel like a gutted shell,
abandoned by the high tide
and smothered with sand.
No one will rescue me.

Wherever I turn for help the door is locked.
Some listen through the keyhole.
They have no answers.
My questions are insoluble.
I am drowning in drugs
and cannot rise into the fresh air.
My mind has seeped away.
I feel desperate, numb like a zombie.
No one offers hope.

What I have dreamed of
others have dashed.
What I have built
others have torn down.
I am overcome with shame.
My friends are preoccupied.
I am alone, so alone.
No one will miss me.

Trapped in darkness
I see one speck of light
that promises paradise
and freedom from my dreadful pain.
I rush toward it,
eager to grasp it early.
I leap and lunge expectantly
into the void.
It is my only chan . . . .

Suicide is common but perplexing. We are deeply distressed when confronted with the news that someone close to us has committed suicide. But its morality is viewed variously. Some in our society encourage euthanasia, recommending kits to cause a painless death for extreme cases. This position is to the left of those who regard suicide as morally neutral.
On the other hand, among the rightists are those who condemn suicide as reprehensible, even tagging it as self-murder and deserving eternal damnation. There is no compassion in this polemical perspective. It assumes the mantle of God, who alone can judge blame and worthiness.
Scripture does not venture a judgement on suicide. It records at least seven specific examples, all by people, who, apparently, were quite rational to the last. The cases of Abimelech (Judges 9), Ahithophel (2 Samuel 17) and Saul and his armour-bearer (1 Samuel 31) are instances of death to save honour. Zimri did it to cowardly escape the inevitable punishment for regicide (1 Kings 16).
Curiously, the story of Samson’s suicide has all the elements of heroism, raw revenge, mass murder and national pride. Pacifists recoil in horror because of the bloodshed. They wonder why the enemies of Israel could not have been destroyed by some other means other than the human hand. And many will wonder why Samson, deliberately murdering hundreds of fellow humans at the time of his suicide, should be found listed among the faithful (Hebrews 11).
If Matthew’s account of Judas Iscariot’s death is to be preferred over Luke’s version (Acts 1) then we must conclude Judas committed suicide, rather than accidentally tripping and fatally wounding himself.1 Matthew’s account clearly portrays Judas as deeply remorseful, making a public confession and returning the silver. Would that attract God’s forgiveness? Scripture does not provide the answer regarding his eternal destiny.
This author neither advocates nor condemns suicide. None of us live in Utopia. We are trapped in the realities of stress-ridden and sometimes hellish quarters. And some have a chemical predisposition to fragile mental health. At this point in time God has not seen fit to radically change our living conditions. It is unreasonable to assume that God would therefore condemn someone, because they have been unable to cope with the current circumstances.
Double Jeopardy is a game that tramples on the laws of natural justice. It is unimaginable that God, as reflected in Jesus Christ, would deal such a diabolical hand, leaving us in a sinful environment and at the same time sending to eternal oblivion, those who found the personal suffering intolerable.
Everyone, however, needs to realise it is wise to guard our mental health. It is well known that people with hormonal imbalances may find some medical relief. It is also agreed that those overcome with stress will cope better with the free natural remedies—sunshine, fresh air and exercise. It is sound advice to breath deeply, meditate quietly, pray often, walk the beaches, tramp the woods, join a club, keep a diary and regularly help someone who is more disadvantaged. Jesus practised some of these strategies. And a friend who keeps confidences is worth millions. Christian medical and psychiatric professionals may offer additional approaches that can prove helpful.
Having tried avenues of healing, there will always be some who are overwhelmed by the magnitude of their distress. We are not in a position to condemn them. It is a profound comfort to know we all have a Judge possessing incomparable compassion.

Endnote: 1. [It is possible that the word ‘hanged’ in Matthew 27:5 may refer to the hanging which involved impaling, as it did in Esther 2:23. If it does, this would explain why Judas was disembowelled (Acts 1:18). —Ed.].